Bittersweet

Today is my father's birthday.

He would be 82. I never, ever imagined how much I would still miss him. Tears still come out of nowhere – any time, any place. Lately, though something else unexpected happens sometimes, too.... Laughter. Laughter comes out of nowhere. When I imagine what he'd say about something, or how he told a story, I can actually hear it. And I often laugh.

It is perhaps the most bittersweet feeling I have ever known... the initial chuckle as I envision his response, usually followed by the rush of leftover grief. Damn grief. Don’t think it’s gone. It’s never gone. Sometimes it sneaks in the back door, but mostly it races. It charges you, hurriedly, anxiously, as though it can’t wash over you fast enough. J.K. Rowling got it right on the mark. A dementor swoops in and it feels as though the happiness is being sucked out of you. You’re left with nothing except, perhaps, a little melancholy in its wake. Bittersweet. And then, often just as quickly, a smile returns. The happiness isn’t gone. Sometimes it just takes a break.

Sometimes I think I don’t like this ride. “Let me off!” I want to scream. The emotion’s intensity and swiftness of movement knock the wind out of me. But would I even know happiness without it? Were it not for the plunge, would it be recognizable to me? I begin to think I need this.

Thank God I can feel. Thank God I am safe. Thank God for these reminders, as they seem trite compared with the unspeakable nightmares others face every day. Thank God for my compassion, as I learn of those horrors. I don’t want to know them. Guilt churns inside me for feeling this way. Why was I blessed with this life? This family? This church, these friends, this job, this home.

Victims of disaster awe me. They continue to proclaim their faith in God, their thanks for their lives and help that has come. They grieve over many friends and family lost so tragically. They ache with fear, hunger, thirst, wounds. They pick themselves up. They pick each other up. They gain strength, certain that their God is with them. Doubt does not exist for them.

I miss my dad; that will not change. But he lived a good life. He had much to be thankful for. But it was time. He was ready to go home.

I have much to learn.

Happy New Year!

This is it. This is the year.

This is the year I make every change I've ever wanted to make, so that I can be a perfect wife, a perfect mom, a perfect friend, a perfect sister, a perfect person.

NOT.

Now that the lofty goals have been shot down, anything else will seem reasonable, yes? Okay, maybe not. Here's what I'm starting with:

1. Take care of myself. First and foremost, get more sleep! I've been moderately successful during this first week of the new year.
2. Plan meals and use my crock pot more. I found a few blogs that should really help with this. Planning meals when you work a job outside the house is exhausting and stressful. It is for me, anyway.
3. Pause. Slow down. Stop. Pause. Inhale. Exhale. Pray. Observe. Listen.
4. Pray. Then pray more.
   

Must be my own personal mid-life "crisis", although I prefer "reassessment." When you hear these kinds of dicussions, doesn't it always come down to one word? Balance. It's true. Cliché, perhaps, but true.

I found the perfect vehicle to help me focus. It's the Totally Together Journal. I hope it doesn't turn out to be overwhelming as time goes on.

It was a rough Christmas for some. No electronics! Just clothes... money... gift cards... electric blankets... winter coats.. some dvds. Bummer. No xbox (apparently we're officially the "only ones" without one), no paintball guns, no ipods, no new computers. It's torture, really. We admit it. But... guess what. They're still alive. I saw them smile today. There may have even been laughter.

The oldest is shaving now. SHAVING. He's on a premier club soccer team, which typically means cha-ching and no-free-time. Currently, it's just "cha-ching". Doing pretty well in school - generally stays on top of homework. (We don't get involved in homework unless asked and it appears necessary.) The younger one is in Builder's Club (youth Kiwanis) and will start ski/snowboarding club this week. He's also still taking piano and has a gig tomorrow! Whines about it sometimes, but he has a gift there. And deep down, we think he actually likes it.

They are tall. Boy, are they tall. Quickly growing out of boys' sizes. Sometimes I can't Freecycle their clothes fast enough.

Hubby and I got a rare few days away over New Year's. Went to northern VA - sort of randomly - and had a nice few days. Went to the Smithsonian Udvar-Hazy Center at Dulles Airport. HIGHLY recommend it. Had a wonderful dinner with some friends.

Take care, everyone. Will post pictures soon.

Teenagers!

Sorry it's been so long. Anyone else have teenagers? Boys? Okay, well S. is just 12, but since he's 5'6", he's built like a teenager.
Anyone figure out how to fund grocery bills in a house with teenage boys? To make matters worse, it is SUMMER and they are HOME a lot of the time.... eating. Eating, eating, eating. Goodness!
It's almost August. The boys have already been to several camps. The last camps are this week; V. at basketball camp and S. at an engineering "class", where he'll get to use CAD to design house plans. Cool, huh!

We've been trying to really back off of TV, video games, computer etc.... much to the boys' dismay. But, in many ways, they become more pleasant and interesting when they begin to have discussions, play games like Uno, Twister, Yahtzee, Dominoes, read, play outside, ride bikes, go to the pool.... (We were very fortunate in that their grandmother paid for a pool membership for the summer!)

Times are sort of tough for everyone these days, but since the boys are getting time away at camp, and hubby gets to visit college friends in NJ for a weekend, I decided that I'll be going to FL for a weekend to visit a childhood friend whom I haven't seen in 14 years! I can't wait. Four days of friendship, white sand, rolling waves, warm ocean breezes...looking forward to the therapy.
TTFN!